Emotion Control

I just had an idea pop into my head.

So due to a large and beautifully violent storm today – the power went out from like 7 til 12 tonight – me and my sister watched the storm at the look out and at mcdonalds then watch most of the first season of glee (how retardedly addictive!!)

Anyway it’s one ten now and I’m sleepless (not surprising) and I’m cruising blog/fb/the interhgihway in general.

And a combination of these two things led to an idea to kind of combat how that bad days/feelings/spells seems to sneak up and ambush me.

1. (This is probably vain ha) Clicked through and looked at my collection of facebook profile photos.  (I tend to only pick nice shots ha) and there are so many and such nice comments – from friends and people who I wouldn’t have thought really cared at all =).  It just made me feel you, you know.

2. I was looking at a guy’s tumblr.  I think this guy seems pretty deep and sensetive and I know that he is really intelligent etc, but I can’t Actually be friends with him because of drama from a while back and the fact that he is friends with someone who loathes me.  (or did at least)  Annnyywayyy, it’s full of just thoughts and feelings and he’d made a comment to another user about how he’s not actually as happy and upbeat and positive as him tumblr makes him seem – he just makes a point of only posting when he is Feeling that way – he actually does have ups and downs.

So yeah.

Those two things just made an idea pop into my head of doing a similar thing.

I really cbf creating anothing blog just for it, and the idea of having a hard copy of it to keep it kind of appealing to me…

I want to make a ‘happy book’.  What a gay fucking name, I’ll think of something catchier. 

But just a book, a journal, a scrapbook, whatever, of

– Good days

– Profound thoughts

– Moving/touching lyrics. poems. speeches.  Words that touch the heart.

– Uplifting artwork

– Friends/Family – letters, talks, memories, photos

– Dreams.  All shapes and sizes all the silly and insignificant to the seemingly unreachable. All.

– and anything else that that had anything to do with putting a smile on the old dial.

To look at if I feel like shit.  To remind me – to motivate me.  I’m going shopping for the perfect book for it tomorrow =)

I’m in two minds as to whether this book needs a partner in crime.

A bad book.

A book of every bad day, every mistake, all my regrets, encounters, confrontations that got my down, disappointments, heartbreak, longing for the Very seemingly unreachable.

I’m thinking this one might come in handy if … I’m feeling down .. I can look at it … and feel like whatever I’m going through – is it really that bad? Compared to some of the shit I have already ploughed through in my life. 

I really don’t know thought.

Maybe it would be a bad idea..

?

Sigh.

OHHHHHH!!!

Added Coffee Boy on facebook … and we had a proper chat haha

He’s a bit older (5 years older actually…), he’s from the city and is here staying with parents, saving for a 6 month trip overseas which he’s doing in about a month.

He said make sure I don’t go back to the city without letting him buy me a drink first.  And that it was a shame we didn’t bump into each other uptown on the weekend.

Hehehe.  Ohhhh Coffee Boy (sigh he is so gorgeous)

I’ve got nine days left here before hitting up college and uni and leaving.

…

I just want to sleep with him so badly and wake up and cuddle and hook up some more and mmm =)

I pretty much want the Spanish Boy situation to play out with Coffee Boy – but I actually LIKE Coffee Boy so it would be minus all of the ridiculous complications and awkward rejections that went on there!

I guess he’s probably staying with his parents … which is bad? I dunno? because he’s clearly a big boy haha.

I just have this great desire to stay the night and wake up with him, I don’t know why.

I am just so incredibly attracted to him – and he is not even my usual type. 

He is almost a jock .

I can only give him a type in that he is a Cricket boy – if that makes any sense. My first highschool crush was a Cricket boy

The quiter, darker, ladsy, solid bloke kind of type. 

The type who is just to the bones a decent human being – and you only have to be in a room with one for a minute – don’t even have to hear them speak to pick it. 

Hmmm.

=D

Well that is what I want to happen anyway.

Even though he is clearly into me and there’s clearly something there .. I’ve already got doubts.

I feel like he is amazing (maybe I’ve dreamed him up to be) and I’m completely not good enough …

I was actually so surprised when he said he wanted to take me out for a drink …

Because he is Gorgeous he could pull stunning beautiful girls … and I’m just not sure that that’s me …

I’m actually terrified he will find me boring.  Immature.  Not beautiful.  Yound.  I’m afraid he’ll think I’m stupid because I tend to autopilot and do that especially when I’m feeling nervous. 

At the same time … he is just a guy who works in my favourite coffee shop in town …

And I made something happen.  =)

I made a point of giving him a look and a foxy smile every time I saw him …

And what do you know =)  You can flirt with people with your eyes and your smile it turns out – and I don’t think I’ve ever done that before – attracted someone from a distance

And I’m leaving and he’s leaving so there’s no chance of messyness and the prospect of if we do get along amazingly well – he’s coming back in half a year =D

So I guess that’s something. 

I would kill for more confidence. 

And despite having thinned right down to where I was last summer .. I don’t know I still hate my body and I just yeah he would probably be repulsed ha.

Indie Boy (dropping the scene – turns out he hates scene ha – I can’t remmebr the nickanme I picked either) just sent me a message saying I’m hard to read.

I’m hard to read coz my head’s all fucked up and it’s hard to think straight

I have no idea what I want, in terms of guys, right now. 

And to be totally honest – I don’t know how I feel about guys at All – I would take a guess at total lack of trust, harsh judgements, resentment,

And these kind of manifest in just a totally flippant ‘I don’t give a flying fuck about you’ attitude – which is kind of true – I don’t let myself care enough to anymore

But at the same time – I do like him.  And I do like boys – a lot – I like feeling loved – which forms the flirty chase me attitude.

And those two attitudes together – it’s no fucking surprise the boy is confused.

And so am I

No biggie.

Peace I need to SLEEP

I am desperately sick!

x