Return

April 19, 2010

I have been blogging on a new wordpress one. A non anonymous one.

This post I feel warrants a return to this mopey-er blog.

I been sleeping with a guy for pretty much 2 straight months.

I think he’s amazing.

I managed not to fall for him.

I managed to put zero expectation on the whole thing

I managed not to get used to it.

And I really glad I didn’t because it turns out it’s nothing more that what it appeared to be.

So I guess I’m posting to say I learnt to do what I wanted to do.

I wanted not to feel.

This is me not feeling.

And I don’t feel much anymore.

Unless it’s served in glass or it’s physically I don’t feel much at all anymore.

Which is pretty lucky.

Because if I did, I don’t know who I’d have to go to that I could trust to spill my insides to.

I lost that person and so far, they’re not replaced.

No one I know has won that trust.

Or seems remotely interested in doing so.

Which is fine.

Because there is nothing to tell.

But I know myself

And I know I’m so emotional and my the only thing that pulses more than my heart is my mind.

It’s probably best to ditch this thing, whatever it is, before either of the aforementioned randomly changes how it feels.

But it’s so easy

And he’s so easy

Wants absolutely nothing from me

Someone who just sex is enough for.

One day I’ll be that person.

No I take that back – I don’t want to be that person.

Which begs the question – why am I doing what I’m doing.

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Short Post

February 24, 2010

I’ve moved bac into college I have to share with this girl C because ew wing is still under onsturction.

It doesn’t bother me too much, although it is annoying when you want boy privacy …

I had a bit of a breakdown last night abou The Boy – Indie boy kept asking questions and sayignthings and puchsing things and I just ended up relaly upset.  

Didn’t get any sleep so tired.

Cute boys in my chmeical process lecture at two – goignto make myslef  retty.

I don’t want to feel today.

ITS satudutday mornign

February 13, 2010

‘i just got home andm y brain hurts and oi broke my like thridds phone in three weeks

bu tseroiusly i just lost htis one ididnt even get anygy and break it

but parently coffee boy messaged and said he couldnt make it out tonigh and i better be out omotttome nithgt

freaking whatevers its not at exciting i loved him when jhe wat mysterious lffocoe f oiy heaaaa

ME and indie Boy made out epically a the tax i bay tonight … after hangin out Bylk uptown adn bancign and tetc

and mbig ninice

and then yeah

i udhno

I said osmt htign along the lines of ‘hey … so i want to come hom ewith You =)  in our make out sesh” and i ehe just kind of laughed like i was eing ridiuclous

then ijust just kind of like .. wowo ok im gunna get a taxi home with lyd bye now then he came up and kissed me on the cheek them taixied home too

got lyd to send j=him a masseedge saying ‘ wow prettty sure yo just clew i t with erin’ seriously, what boy refusedese me to his bed /

!??!?!?!?!!!?!!?!?1

…..

..

.

…..

Anywya.

Supposed to be rodatrupping tup espercane toomorro for one night andone day , three hours  driec

might do it

night not

idunon kjnow

I just watn someone here to cuddle up to and tell my mind to and to hear their mind back is that do o much to ask?

-(

I sw3q4 im off boys froever sigh

peave x

Emotion Control

February 9, 2010

I just had an idea pop into my head.

So due to a large and beautifully violent storm today – the power went out from like 7 til 12 tonight – me and my sister watched the storm at the look out and at mcdonalds then watch most of the first season of glee (how retardedly addictive!!)

Anyway it’s one ten now and I’m sleepless (not surprising) and I’m cruising blog/fb/the interhgihway in general.

And a combination of these two things led to an idea to kind of combat how that bad days/feelings/spells seems to sneak up and ambush me.

1. (This is probably vain ha) Clicked through and looked at my collection of facebook profile photos.  (I tend to only pick nice shots ha) and there are so many and such nice comments – from friends and people who I wouldn’t have thought really cared at all =).  It just made me feel you, you know.

2. I was looking at a guy’s tumblr.  I think this guy seems pretty deep and sensetive and I know that he is really intelligent etc, but I can’t Actually be friends with him because of drama from a while back and the fact that he is friends with someone who loathes me.  (or did at least)  Annnyywayyy, it’s full of just thoughts and feelings and he’d made a comment to another user about how he’s not actually as happy and upbeat and positive as him tumblr makes him seem – he just makes a point of only posting when he is Feeling that way – he actually does have ups and downs.

So yeah.

Those two things just made an idea pop into my head of doing a similar thing.

I really cbf creating anothing blog just for it, and the idea of having a hard copy of it to keep it kind of appealing to me…

I want to make a ‘happy book’.  What a gay fucking name, I’ll think of something catchier. 

But just a book, a journal, a scrapbook, whatever, of

– Good days

– Profound thoughts

– Moving/touching lyrics. poems. speeches.  Words that touch the heart.

– Uplifting artwork

– Friends/Family – letters, talks, memories, photos

– Dreams.  All shapes and sizes all the silly and insignificant to the seemingly unreachable. All.

– and anything else that that had anything to do with putting a smile on the old dial.

To look at if I feel like shit.  To remind me – to motivate me.  I’m going shopping for the perfect book for it tomorrow =)

I’m in two minds as to whether this book needs a partner in crime.

A bad book.

A book of every bad day, every mistake, all my regrets, encounters, confrontations that got my down, disappointments, heartbreak, longing for the Very seemingly unreachable.

I’m thinking this one might come in handy if … I’m feeling down .. I can look at it … and feel like whatever I’m going through – is it really that bad? Compared to some of the shit I have already ploughed through in my life. 

I really don’t know thought.

Maybe it would be a bad idea..

?

Sigh.

OHHHHHH!!!

Added Coffee Boy on facebook … and we had a proper chat haha

He’s a bit older (5 years older actually…), he’s from the city and is here staying with parents, saving for a 6 month trip overseas which he’s doing in about a month.

He said make sure I don’t go back to the city without letting him buy me a drink first.  And that it was a shame we didn’t bump into each other uptown on the weekend.

Hehehe.  Ohhhh Coffee Boy (sigh he is so gorgeous)

I’ve got nine days left here before hitting up college and uni and leaving.

I just want to sleep with him so badly and wake up and cuddle and hook up some more and mmm =)

I pretty much want the Spanish Boy situation to play out with Coffee Boy – but I actually LIKE Coffee Boy so it would be minus all of the ridiculous complications and awkward rejections that went on there!

I guess he’s probably staying with his parents … which is bad? I dunno? because he’s clearly a big boy haha.

I just have this great desire to stay the night and wake up with him, I don’t know why.

I am just so incredibly attracted to him – and he is not even my usual type. 

He is almost a jock .

I can only give him a type in that he is a Cricket boy – if that makes any sense. My first highschool crush was a Cricket boy

The quiter, darker, ladsy, solid bloke kind of type. 

The type who is just to the bones a decent human being – and you only have to be in a room with one for a minute – don’t even have to hear them speak to pick it. 

Hmmm.

=D

Well that is what I want to happen anyway.

Even though he is clearly into me and there’s clearly something there .. I’ve already got doubts.

I feel like he is amazing (maybe I’ve dreamed him up to be) and I’m completely not good enough …

I was actually so surprised when he said he wanted to take me out for a drink …

Because he is Gorgeous he could pull stunning beautiful girls … and I’m just not sure that that’s me …

I’m actually terrified he will find me boring.  Immature.  Not beautiful.  Yound.  I’m afraid he’ll think I’m stupid because I tend to autopilot and do that especially when I’m feeling nervous. 

At the same time … he is just a guy who works in my favourite coffee shop in town …

And I made something happen.  =)

I made a point of giving him a look and a foxy smile every time I saw him …

And what do you know =)  You can flirt with people with your eyes and your smile it turns out – and I don’t think I’ve ever done that before – attracted someone from a distance

And I’m leaving and he’s leaving so there’s no chance of messyness and the prospect of if we do get along amazingly well – he’s coming back in half a year =D

So I guess that’s something. 

I would kill for more confidence. 

And despite having thinned right down to where I was last summer .. I don’t know I still hate my body and I just yeah he would probably be repulsed ha.

Indie Boy (dropping the scene – turns out he hates scene ha – I can’t remmebr the nickanme I picked either) just sent me a message saying I’m hard to read.

I’m hard to read coz my head’s all fucked up and it’s hard to think straight

I have no idea what I want, in terms of guys, right now. 

And to be totally honest – I don’t know how I feel about guys at All – I would take a guess at total lack of trust, harsh judgements, resentment,

And these kind of manifest in just a totally flippant ‘I don’t give a flying fuck about you’ attitude – which is kind of true – I don’t let myself care enough to anymore

But at the same time – I do like him.  And I do like boys – a lot – I like feeling loved – which forms the flirty chase me attitude.

And those two attitudes together – it’s no fucking surprise the boy is confused.

And so am I

No biggie.

Peace I need to SLEEP

I am desperately sick!

x

For Flying Fucks Sake

February 7, 2010

So I can’t even be fucked writing a post I’m just going to paste my rage mail i wrote to my friend

I wrote you a huge rage mail

It deleted

Fucksake

for fucks sake

I hate this town

I fucking hate it so much

I don’t fucking understand why people can’t go about their own night/life, and I’ll go about mine, And if someone doesnt like something – just fucking move on and ignore it

ffs

Why do people have to stick themselves where they are not wanted

This guy is getting all uppity and judgemental and just sending me random hate messages
I have done NOTHGIN to him , apparently he doesnt like me coz of stuff with Friends – WTF
so we have absoluelt no problme except that some else has a problem kajdf;lkasjdf;klasdfasdlkjfsad;f

Its god damn fuckign ridiculous

I’m sick of these fucking little intricate webs and blah – jesus fuck

I hate htis town – it is safer to stay locked inside throw away your phone your computer your keys and not speak to anyone or anything
Than it is to go out and makes some new friends
Because someone for some unitellibelg reason will have a problem with it

And start some shit

Seriously

Fucking – how do peopl get so cocky?

How does backward scum life get so fucking cocky?

Jesus fuck

God is the devil, for inventing ego.
and the penis.

jads;flkjasdf;kajsfl;

RAGE

I hate this town – I don’t know how people can live here.

You lie low and be fucking bored senseless
Or you trying and just fuckign do your own thing and you get shot in the fucking back

AND Fucking boys.

Jesus fucking Christ.

It is not my problem, If someone has a thing for me, it is so not MY PROBLEM that I have to worry about

What the fuck am i supposed to do?
not talk to or hang with any guys who I don’t intend to straddle and marry?

How the fuck is it MY problem if they have a thing for me?

Why can’t boys just fucking tuck their dicks away and just fucking get along.

I repeat – how is it me fucking problem and my responsiblily ifa boy has a thing for me!

This cockhead hate mail guy, I’m fairly sure he doesn’t like me becuase he thinks i’m stringing new friend Paul along

WHAT THE FUCK

I JUST LIKE HANGING WITH HIM UPTOWN COZ ITS FUN

And I haven’t even hinted that I’m keen.

At all.

We kind of already had that convo?

what the fuck

he said might me interested nothing he wouldnt et over (when I asked him straihg out if he liked me) and yeah, what the fuck.

How am i the bitch for wanting to be friends with him?

Is that not allowed?

I can’t be freinds with him just because he want tot hook up with me?

fuck that shit

fuck that fucking shit.

What the hell is taht.

Just fucking rage.

just fuck fucking rage.

I had one of the worst night last night, and nothing was even wrong.

Nothing had happened, wans’t a bad night and I was in the worst fuckgin mood, throwing shit, smashing shit, threw my phone into a fucking wall

And nothing even happened. Fucking ja;skdjf;asljkfa

And I was doing to so good man, stuff was getting so good, I felt fucking good, I would actually have funa nd feel good when I went out, starting actually having a good time meeting some new kids

And then now i just fucking feel like this and I just am back to wanting to get the fuck out of here

That is the thing

That is why Kalgoorlie is so boring

Its not the lack of beach or shops

Its hte fact that you can’t just fuckign go and do what you want

Coz people don’t fucking let you.

They want to see you rufkign misterable

And I just want to leave.

The End.

Reply:

    I loathe, sleeping in.

    February 5, 2010

    Every breath that I exhale is a sigh, every breath that I exhale is a sigh of exhaustion

    How sad
    And this is what your life has been reduced to –
    A single room apartment containing no more than a matress.
    How sad when the strings have been removed from the blinds
    and all the outlets have been painted over.
    And the television screen is streaked with blood and smeared from your knuckles,
    As if you were trying to punch it out but you underestimated its strength –
    or maybe you just weren’t trying hard enough.
    Startled by a knock at the door, you’ll rise for the first time in two days to answer –
    But you can only greet the visitor with one short statement  –
    Hello my first name is Distance and I really don’t care if i never wake up again.

    I really don’t care if I never wake up again

    The Art of Sleep

    February 4, 2010

    a.  Smashing a solid 90 minutes of hardcore heartthumping cardio

    b. Wine glass

    c.  Downloading a thunderstorm soundtrack was Probably the best thing I ever did.

    I think I accidently got my brother drunk by letting him go to town on the wine I opened. 

    Cooked the stir fry from Heaven eee.

    Considering getting a ring instead of stud for my lip ring … I’ve got a feeling it won’t suit .. but they’re so schweet. 

    I’m so hyper pinging right now – and all that was available to do was a maccas run haha.

    Can’t wait to be back in the city where nightlife Exists.

    Going to watch a movie and roast marshmellows with mateys

    Peace! x

    Ps yes, stayed awake the Entire day, must by magic.

    Blueberries and Rasberries and Blackberries and Yogi

    February 4, 2010

    I have officially made it through two days without sleeping in OR falling asleep during the day (!)

    … well that’s a little preemptive but I’m going to trust to the power of words to make it happen for today =D

    Jack sent me a message saying would I mind if he had a ‘crush’ on me.  I haven’t heard someone say crush since … idek … haha. And I don’t even know how I feel about that.

    I found out that although he’s living at the college next door to me .. he’s not actually going to my uni (which is over the road) he’s going to a different one which is over the River … he didn’t realised my one offered his course .. which it does .. silly cookie.

    I’ve decided I’m going to draw on/paint my college room and then just repaint it back at the end of the year, and I’m getting Jack to help!  He did this sketch for me it’s amazing:

    And yeah I really don’t know.  He’s going to be around all year so I’m not sure if it would be ‘wise’ to get involved.

    But that’s not the real reason – the real reason is I’m not sure if he’s up for it.  He just doesn’t seem like a very ‘strong’ person (god what a horrible thing to say) – he’s clearly got self esteem issues, and he’s one of those people who cares too much what other people/his friends think is ‘cool’.

    I’m really liking ‘commas’ today.

    I think I’d rather just adopt his as one of my best buddy and match make him up with someone stunning haha.

    But I should probably have thought of that before we hooked up on that cursed dance floor.

    On a tangent:

    This past year (as in 09) has been hard and dark, but ironically very illuminating.

    I can survive the hard times.  I can get through them – and I did this mostly myself  – without my family, without confiding in a hell of a lot of friends – though I don’t know what I would have done with out *Ray.  Even though she’s been overseas most of the summer, emailing her is incredibly therapeutic, and she was amazing enough to let me crash at her house for about a month when I couldn’t face coming home to the same town as my ex.

    But you feel better.  I feel better.  You feel better knowing that you’ve blundered through the dark times and came and pretty okay and a little wiser of the world.  Maybe.

    I think it also makes you fight harder to keep out of it.

    I don’t even know about Jack because there is no way in Hell I am Giving myself to another boy as easily as I did to The Boy (I should probably stop calling him that) unless he’s damn near perfect.

    And I’m sorry but Jack isn’t it.  Maybe he is we don’t Actually hang that much we just talk.  But – call me shallow – he just doesn’t look like the boy that I would be after if it were seriously.  Nah I dunno that’s not really it.  But it’s a small part of it.

    TANGENT:  Mum came into my room this morning and said she didn’t know What she would have done if I hadn’t been here for the last few weeks (month) to look after the kids and run the house and get stuff done.  She’s been working a fair bit, like all day and some of the night (real estate).

    When I first got home I was close to appalled at the state of the house and the kitchen hey … completely just .. bordering on unhygeinic .. and the state of the kids … they literally spent All Day playing computer games/ watching movies.  Literally.

    The fact that mum is working a heap and Dad is working away four out of seven days – and that I am probably absorbing a heap of that money with college fees – makes me feel like I should criticise … But I mean … I dunno I’ve always though my mum could do it all, I guess she’s only human.  I’ve also got the distinct feeling that she doesn’t really like me as a person.  I’m her daughter she loves me blah blah blah, but I don’t think she actually thinks very highly of me and my character.

    Well fuckit neither do I.

    Date is set: moving into college on the 17th Feb.  *eeeeee*.

    I have missed the Castle so much – it’s going to be amazing being back there (it is So beautiful – so is campus) after being in this red dirt and bush town for ages.

    ZOMG I found out what room I’m in yesterday!  I’ve got a room up the town of the castle (2nd floor) with a view of the Quad – next to the big balcony, and the room is HUGE I checked it out last year, and oh my god it is absolutely HUGE as college rooms go!  I don’t think it has a sink =( but I think it has aircon =) .  And I’ve decided I’m going to paint and draw all over the walls then just repaint it myself at the end of the year.  Hopefully I’m allowed – they can’t complain they’re getting a free paint job =)

    There are going to be SO many balls in the air this year – trying to Actually do well in my course, Robo stuff, partying (I’ve dedicated to going out every night for the first month of semester – at least ha), college life, kickboxing (learning), surfing (hopefully learning) and a milling other little things.

    Hopefully I don’t explode.

    I read a quote today – it’s off facebook – but I still liked it haha:

    “Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you’ve never met”

    I don’t think about him anymore, well not very recently anyway, not day to day, and not when I go to sleep.

    But it still makes me furious and death inside to see photos of him with his new girl.

    I should be happy he’s so happy.  Part of me is.  A more dominant part resents it’s not me. A small part know that I’m lucky it’s not me … because we weren’t Right.

    We were perfect, but it wasn’t Right.

    Peace x

    Coffee Beans

    February 3, 2010

    … are amazing.  got up early this morning and went to my favourite cute cafe and had what is possiby the strongest Macciato I’ve ever tasted.  To date.

    I’ve snuck Cara in the house (oldest pet – aging German Shepherd) and I can’t hear her … she must be up to mischief. 

    There is something to be said about a intelligent dog – they get so much joy out of just … exploring life, messing with you, cheeky little fiend! Haha.

    I’m making it my goal today to   (btw Robo is a robotics programs, run by uni students for primary school student to get more girls involved in doing Engneering and Tech etc. – theres somthing like a 10% female rate =0 )

    1. Redo the Robo prospectus, get a list of possible companies, write down a speech  to make over the phone to them (uni is in three weeks eeek)
    2. Email bulk uni friends about getting on board for Robo (we need volunteers! currently its on the exec committee)
    3. Do the second coat of enamel paint on the skirting boards for the house
    4. Rape the gym (skipped yesterday =D)
    5. Start doing some geng1002 (electrical engineering unit I fail last semester … determined to smash it and get in the 90s this time)
    6. Reply to letters people wrote me

    Feeling productive right now.  Let’s hope it lasts the next sixteen hours 😉

    Peace

    x

    The Early Hours

    February 3, 2010

    Thoughts, Interpretations

    Drive our Moods, our Machinations

    By night I’ll Dream you up

    By day I’ll Burn you down

    I am the Dreamer, the Believer.